


Apart from dreams that escape me

by LunaRowena



Series: Watcher Calendula [4]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Deadfire, Drabble Collection, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts, priest of berath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-01-18 11:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21275861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaRowena/pseuds/LunaRowena
Summary: Calendula's love for Berath burned so brightly she had never considered being in love. But Xoti makes her feel.
Relationships: The Watcher/Xoti (Pillars of Eternity)
Series: Watcher Calendula [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1533680
Comments: 17
Kudos: 9





	1. Scrosciare

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to do a personal challenge of writing a drabble a day for the month of November off of [this prompt list.](https://lunarowena.tumblr.com/post/188056792402/writing-challenge-prompt-list) Since I have been woefully disappointed at the lack of Watcher/Xoti content, that's what I'm focusing on.
> 
> The first word is scrosciare - the action of rain pouring down or of waves hitting rocks and cliffs.

Caledula stood on the edge of the cliff staring down at the waves below. How easy it would be, just one step. One step and her body would be as foam upon the rocks, and her soul finally with Berath.

“Watcher!” Xoti’s voice called behind her.

She turned. “Just admiring the view.”

“Sure is pretty,” but Xoti’s eyes never left Cal. Her hair danced on the breeze, waving hello.

Cal felt a wave of emotion wash over her that she couldn’t quite name. She smiled back at Xoti, her cheeks growing warm.

This world was not done with her yet.


	2. Aspectabund

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aspectabund - letting emotion show easily through the face or eyes

They had always said she was too passionate, too emotional for a priest of Berath. So slowly over time Cal stuffed her feelings away, practiced her reactions until she is impassive, or at least appears to be so.

Xoti has no such compunctions. Every thought, every feeling lies across her face for all the world to read. Her spirit unbroken, her emotions fly free.

Cal drinks it in. Maybe not in a flood, but the corners of herself she thought she filled with embalming fluid tingle.

To laugh, to look, to smile too long.

Maybe Berath won’t mind too much.


	3. Pyrrhic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pyrrhic - won at too great a cost

Cal reels as her mind snaps back to her body. The adra in the Hasongo light house begins softly glowing beneath her hand. Resumes.

Somewhere beyond her the naga leave, as they said they would. One less problem to worry about. One more problem she solved.

Everyone has questions as they leave the lighthouse, take stock of what remains of Hasongo, but it all seems far away. Eothas’s voice still resounds in her mind. Her fault for severing the link. Had to replenish.

As she is praised for recovering this disaster she caused, she wonders what she has truly won.


	4. Rubatosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rubatosis - the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

They lean against the deck rail, Calendula and Xoti. It’s late. But the darkness is broken by the shine of Xoti’s lantern and the quiet is broken by their conversation and Cal’s heartbeat.

They talk about home, Readceras and Ixamitl. They talk about religion, Eothas and Berath. The topics are both important and wholly unimportant. What is important is that they are here and Cal can feel her heart beating wildly against her chest.

Xoti talks about Edér less and she looks at Cal more. Cal is sure her heartbeat betrays her. But what would she do if it did?


	5. Trepverter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trepverter - a witty response or comeback you think of only after it’s too late to use

Cal wants to make Xoti laugh. When she laughs, her whole body lights up and it’s like basking in sunshine.

Serafen can make Xoti laugh. A quick word, a wink, a dirty joke. The worst part is that Cal knows Serafen is trying to feed her lines. (Of course he knows. Her body is blank but her mind is loud).

Cal is not fast. She is methodical. Contemplative. She takes pride in her rational, considered judgments. But it means her sense of comedic timing is shit. By the time she can respond, the moment has long passed. So she doesn’t.


	6. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiraeth - a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

Sometimes she still dreams of the Beyond. Not Watcher dreams, she doesn’t think. Memory dreams. Cal is alive, but for a brief time she died. She died and she met Berath. The Usher. The Pallid Knight. In the world inside the adra, where there is no space, no time, and boulders float in the sky, she talked with her god. Despite the damage, for the first time her soul felt complete.

_Return to Eora as my Herald, Watcher._

She returned to the land that is her home, so why does it felt like she left the only home she needed?


	7. Resfeber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> resfeber - thrill felt before an adventure

Cal stands at the bow of The Defiant. They’re setting off again, for Poko Kohara. Does she need to go there? Well…

Arguably running errands for the trading companies is a distraction from her mission in the Deadfire. Arguably, she needs to make as many friends as she can.

Or there’s the argument, which she may only get from Edér, that she likes getting into trouble.

Cal sniffs the salt on the breeze. “Likes” is a strong word. But it would be downright irresponsible for a Watcher to stay uninvolved. Her heart gives a lurch as the ship sets underway.


	8. Apricity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apricity - the warmth of the sun in the winter

It’s technically winter in the Deadfire. As far as Cal can tell, that doesn’t mean much compared to the Dyrwood. Though it didn’t mean much in Ixamitl compared to the Dyrwood. Cal had never seen snow until she went there.

There’s certainly no snow here. The same sun that shown down on them in the spring and summer and fall shines down now. She misses seasons. A way to tell that time is moving forward instead of rolling over from day to day, stagnating.

She will follow Berath’s orders, of course, but she wishes she could tell for how long.


	9. Messaline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> messaline - soft lightweight silk with a satin weave

Sometimes Cal remembers the dresses her mother wore for fancy parties. Smooth, brightly colored, the skirts sweeping the floor. She figured one day she would wear them, too.

But she is a priestess and has no need of such finery.

There are ladies in Queen’s Berth that remind her. Compared to them, her armor is drab. She cannot minister when she is pretty. She cannot fight when she is pretty. So she isn’t.

Yet the Pallid Knight is beautiful in her plate with her greatsword. Xoti is beautiful with blood on her face.

Maybe someone can find Cal beautiful, too.


	10. Psithurism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> psithurism - the sound of wind rustling leaves

The palm trees here are so different than trees in Ixamitl and the Dyrwood. And yet when the wind blows through them, it is the same sound of rustling foliage.

She can hear it now.

Everything hurts. Or is it just her stomach?

She wishes everyone would quiet down so she can hear the wind.

Now Xoti is here kneeling over her. There shouldn’t be tears in her eyes. Cal wants to make them go away but everything hurts.

“Are palm trees real trees?” is all she can say.

Xoti’s voice is lost on the wind as Cal passes out.


	11. Lapidoso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lapidoso - full of stones, said of roads or of the bottom of a river

Compared to most other places she’s been in the Deadfire – and if she was honest, the Dyrwood – Sayuka is incredibly… paved. Maybe Hosango was, too, before all its destruction, but Sayuka is a Rauataian stronghold in all its glory. Walls of stone, roads of stone, buildings of stone. All orderly.

Cal feels as if she should like the order. After all, her god is rational, orderly, precise. But she doesn’t like it. There’s a soul that’s lacking here. The Rauataians built this fortress to keep out danger, but they also kept out feeling.

Everything is dead, but not with Berath.


	12. Liberosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> liberosis - the desire to care less about things

Cal doesn’t want to be in love. Not like this. Not if it hurts so godsdamned much.

She stands powerless as Xoti screams, depositing her lantern of souls into the pillar of adra. Her hair flows out, her eyes roll back, and she screams. And Cal can do nothing.

You can do it, is all she can say. Give the souls to the adra and come back to me.

It’s finally over and Cal catches Xoti before she can collapse. Holds her. I love you. Does Cal say it aloud? She doesn’t care. She can’t run from her any longer.


	13. Cafune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cafune - the act of running your fingers through the hair of someone you love

Cal doesn’t know how to relationship, and she can’t help but feel that it’s her fault. She overthinks everything.

All she wants to do is take Xoti in her arms and run her fingers through her hair, but she can’t do that in front of other people, can she? Is holding hands too much? Certainly not kissing.

Xoti is not afraid of public displays of affection. Of touches, words, teasing. Cal isn’t sure if she loves it or is completely stressed out. So she under reacts. 

Cal just wants to hold Xoti, but she’s afraid she’s pushing her away instead.


	14. Ignipotent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ignipotent - presiding over fire

Ashen Maw is exploding. Thick smoke fills the air as lava runs down into the sea, creating steam. Cal is stuck in the hand of Eothas as the giant statue trudges through the lava flows and sea water. 

Magran has tried to kill Eothas yet again. This time she has failed. She killed all the Rathun. She would have killed Cal, too. This is the way of Magran, as in the Saint’s War. Kith are disposable. Victory above everything. Fire consumes all.

Cal will take the gentle turn of time with Berath over the flash of glory ending in ash.


	15. Balter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> balter - to dance gracelessly, but with enjoyment

The Defiant has hit a storm at sea. Cal yells out orders and the crew rushes about with preparations. She is Captain. She had never been on a ship until the Deadfire.

She’s gotten better at the whole thing over time. A real step up from being unconscious most of the journey. Bless Edér’s heart and his need to follow, making a dead woman captain. But she has learned the ropes (literally). There are still moments of fear, of uncertainty, but she cannot show that to the crew.

She looks out into the storm. Let it come. Let us dance.


	16. Verklempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> verklempt - completely and utterly overcome with emotion

Cal does not cry. She never cried much as a child. She will not let herself cry as an adult. Except…

She is curled up in her bed in her cabin. Eothas wants to break the Wheel. She knew the gods were constructed. The cycle of reincarnation is too? Fragile enough to be destroyed? For what purpose?

The gods, who she has put so much trust in, can do nothing but bicker. How can she, one mortal woman, stop this?

She allows herself one tear.

All the souls in the world are depending on what she can do. She cries.


	17. Cruore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cruore - it literally means “flowing blood”

When Cal became a priest she never expected she would see this much death. Of course, as a priest of Berath, she would sit with the dying and perform funeral rights. But she did not expect so much death that she was the cause of.

She wields a greatsword because the Pallid Knight does, but it’s the User she’s expecting to see one of these days when her luck runs out.

She spends the time to clean the blood off her sword, but it is still on her hands. She is a priest of death. She brings it with her.


	18. Marcid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marcid - incredibly exhausted

It’s been a long day. All of Cal’s days are long these days. Her sleep is better than when she first became a Watcher, but she can’t make time.

But Xoti has declared it the end of the day. Now they are both curled up in Cal’s bed. Xoti is nestled into Cal’s shoulder, her breathing slow and steady. She has been sleeping better recently, her dreams less dark. Cal is relieved. She knows what it’s like to have dreams haunt your waking hours.

Xoti’s heart beats solidly against Cal’s chest. Cal closes her eyes. It is time to rest.


	19. Temerate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> temerate - to break a bond or promise

Cal grits her teeth in annoyance. She doesn’t even like Galawain that much.

She stands at the machine in Cignath Mór debating her actions. Fleet Master Okaya wants her to destroy it. Galawain wants her to leave it, make it so no one can come back here again to stop it. The beasts would grow.

Galawain is not the god she’s sworn to serve, but he is a god. Can she respect herself if she goes against his will?

After a moment, she steps away from the machine. Fleet Master Okaya will not be pleases, but Cal cannot do this.


	20. Sweven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sweven - a dream

Cal supposes someone else would be disgruntled when the gods summon her. And to some extent, she is. They bicker in front of her, ignore her, yet expect her to solve their problems. Someone needs to carry her lifeless body back to her cabin. Sometimes she’s busy, you know.

But she cannot be too angry, for she gets to stand in the full power of the gods. Comprehend things no mortal is supposed to comprehend. She is chosen, she is blessed.

The Pallid Knight looks down upon her, and Cal knows she must save Berath. Their look is worth everything.


	21. Petrichor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> petrichor - the pleasant smell that accompanies the first rain after a long period of dry weather

Cal and her companions stand on the outskirts of Neketaka. Well, the Vailian animancers had succeeded. They were teleported. Some more enthusiastically than others.

Cal looks back toward the city through the jungle as they hike. It’s an inconvenient location though.

A drop of water falls on her face.

“Wonderful,” says Aloth.

In Ixamitl, the rain is something to be celebrated. Here...

The water pours down. Cal’s socks squelch in her boots and droplets run down the back of her neck into her shirt. Xoti turns her face up to the rain.

They will be clean, one way or another.


	22. Basorexia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basorexia - the overwhelming desire to kiss

All they have to do is wait until nightfall to use the telescope at Bekarna’s observatory. As in, that’s all they have to do.

Aloth is somewhere downstairs browsing the shelves trying to salvage anything. Maia and Edér went back to the ship. Cal and Xoti sit leaning up against the railing on the roof, waiting. Xoti clicks her heels together in a lazy rhythm.

No one is around as the sun sets and Xoti looks so beautiful in the fading light. Cal steals a kiss.

Xoti giggles. “What’s that for?”

“Just for being you,” Cal says. She steals another.


	23. Whelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whelve - to bury something deep, to hide

A priest of Berath is supposed to be stoic, and Cal has never been. She’s gotten good at pretending, at stuffing herself as far down as she can, but she knows. So Berath knows. She has spent these past ten years desperate to prove herself to Berath and feeling as though she’s failing and yet…

When she met Berath, Berath accepted her as she was. She was still chosen.

So Cal is less afraid that Xoti draws out a side of her she has not allowed herself to feed in some time. It’s her god’s opinion that matters, not mortals’.


	24. Meriggiare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meriggiare - to rest at noon, more likely in a shady spot outdoors

Sailing is so odd. On the one hand, you’re rushing off at high speeds to some new destination. On the other hand, the vast stretches of sea can be incredibly dull.

It’s a hot day. Cal isn’t wearing her armor. She will deal if they get attacked by pirates; she’d rather not roast alive. With the sun beating down, shade is at a premium.

She and Xoti lean up against the main mast. Xoti’s eyelids flutter. Cal shifts as Xoti settles on Cal’s shoulder. Cal does not let her guard down well, but for this moment she lets herself rest.


	25. Ansare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ansare - to hardly breathe, to be out of breath

Cal has trained with the priesthood of Berath for years. Whatever her base inclinations, she can act appropriately. React calmly.

So she believed until she sees Xoti take a bullet to the chest and crumple to the ground.

The entire world narrows. She cannot breathe. She is suffocating as if her own lung was punctured.

Cal ignores her own opponent as she rushes over, taking clumsy swings at everyone along the way.

She kneels at Xoti’s side and recites the incantation, prays like she has never prayed before.

Xoti’s eyes slowly open and the air rushes back to Cal’s lungs.


	26. Arcurate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> arcuate - arched; bow-shaped

Cal feels like she’s nearing an ending. Her quest after Eothas is drawing to a close, and soon the life she’s built for herself here will be over.

Last time this happened, after Thaos, everyone left her.

So while she still has time, she memorizes Xoti. The curve of her face. The arch of her brow. The bow of her lips. The way her limbs stretch when she fights.

The warmth of her hugs. The light in her smile. The joy in her laughter. 

Cal doesn’t know what will happen, but no matter what, Xoti will live in her heart.


	27. Morituro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> morituro - of someone who is next or destined to die

So this is how it has to be.

Cal paces the floor of her cabin, contemplating the requests of the factions of the Deadfire. They will each help her to Ukaizo, but only for a price. And in each case, that price is paid in blood.

Is this what she’s turned into, then? The Herald of Berath, nothing but the bloody sword in other people’s squabbles?

It is not any of their time, except that her hand must force it. This cannot be Berath’s will. Yet Berath wants her to go to Ukaizo.

So be it. She will bring death.


	28. Noceur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noceur - one who stays up late

Cal stands at the bow of the ship. They are going to Ukaizo. She doesn’t know that she has done right on the way to get here. She’s trying to serve a greater good, but does that count in the end?

The sky is cloudy and dark. There are no stars. There is no moonlight as the ship sails through the night.

Cal yawns, but she’s still too awake to sleep. Too much is happening. Too much is coming to a head. Maybe she will be tired tomorrow, but right now she is not eager for the dawn to come.


	29. Selcouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> selcouth - unfamiliar, rare, strange, and yet wonderful

Cal knows the gods are constructed. It’s a fact she’s known for years, and she hasn’t cared. Where they came from doesn’t affect who they are now. But she’s never put too much thought towards what it really meant.

They walk the streets of Ukaizo, marveling at the lost wonders. Between buildings Cal can see it. The Wheel.

She’s read so many books debating the topic. Theorizing the metaphysical nature of the Wheel. And they were all so wrong.

Mortal hands built this wonder, directing the souls of kith for generations. By what definition does that not make them gods?


	30. Astral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> astral - of or relating to the stars

Cal sits with Xoti under the starlight. She grasps tightly to Xoti’s hand in an attempt to ground herself.

She has failed.

She is tired.

The Wheel is gone. Eothas is gone. The only good to come out of this situation is the empowerment of Berath, but that shouldn’t have had to happen.

She couldn’t save the world. When it came down to it, she was just one woman.

She is just one woman sitting under the stars holding hands with another woman. Cal is Cal. Xoti is Xoti. That is all they can be, whether or not it’s enough.


End file.
